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ABigBlueBalloon

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I'm sorry about my absence here on DeviantArt.

I went through a severe depressive/depersobalization episode that lasted for two and a half months. After some work, my psychiatrist and I have found the right dose of the right medication, which seems to have helped a lot. This episode was triggered by invasive memories, reliving trauma through my nightmares, and my partner whom I lived with (and still live with) became very emotionally and verbally abusive over the months that we were together. He became increasingly controlling and at one point got mad at me for not answering my cell phone during an AA meeting. There were a lot of things I couldn't do, and I didn't feel quite okay about being on DeviantArt; I had to keep this a secret, along with many other things, because I fear(ed) his disapproval. If he didn't like where I was, what I was doing, and who I was hanging out with, there would be a huge fight and he would gaslight me every time I tried to talk to him about it. I broke up with him, but we still live together, and he is still exhibiting abusive and controlling behaviors. Because my attention is not focused on him all of the time anymore, his behavior has gotten worse--thus pushing me away farther and continuing the cycle. It seems to bother him that I have finally set my foot down.

The good news is, one of my friends needs a room mate. I planned this very well and behind my ex-boyfriend's back so I could have a solid, for-sure out. So, at the end of September, I'll be moving. Thank God.


I have a lot or trauma from my past, particularly around my home life. I've started to remember more awful things. I don't want to go into details because it's pretty horrific, but there was a lot of abuse and violence involved.


I'm going back to school again, for photography and journalism. It's just down at the community college, but I don't mind because the classes are small and things feel a bit more personal than at a larger university or college campus. I guess I've learned that my life didn't end at 25.


So, that's about it.

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Updates/Venting

5 min read

I've finally uploaded my whole painting portfolio that I've made so far this year--plus some old paintings I dug up while cleaning my room. I've also added some photos I have taken over the past few months--my favorites that I caught on my DSLR. I love the camera Mom gave me last November. Originally, it was her camera, but for some reason that I don't remember--maybe she got a new one?--she just gave it to me. I love photography; it's a good mindfulness practice. And you can get some surprisingly good photographs--some by accident, right place and the right time; and others caught intentionally, timed right, planned. You gotta plan around the times of day and the weather. Unfortunately, we'll be getting snow soon--we had our first snowfall last Friday. We've had a few windstorms blow in, as well. Winter is coming, LOL. Not one of my favorite times of year, to be honest--what with the rain, snow, cold, shorter days, and longer nights. But I love the Northwest. I don't think I could live anywhere else, to be honest. I lived at a boarding school in Connecticut, and the East Coast is beautiful in its own way, but it's just not the same. I was born in Washington--the Pacific Northwest--and I'll probably end up back there. Jeremy, my best friend/room mate turned partner, lived in Arizona for three years until he moved up here, and he says that it's nice to have weather and color and seasons. "It's nice--for about five days, when you realize it all looks the same," he says. "Ooh, look, brown--ooh, look, more brown, with some red in it--must have iron in it!"


It's been nice to have a friend live with me, instead of a stranger. I remember when he first got here--it was the fifth of July. He had flown in to Spokane, in Eastern Washington, late on the fourth of July. He went to a dispo and stayed the night before getting a ride into Coeur D'alene. He was exhausted and slept for two days. He had gained weight, and I hadn't believed him until I saw him. After months of searching, Jeremy finally got a job as a dishwasher at Cracker Barrel. He hasn't had a "real" job--one that isn't under the table--in fifteen years. He'd had a wild life, and I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to share his story here without his consent. Regardless, I'm proud that he's working.

I've had four jobs in the year: Sweet Lou's, Goodwill, yard work/lawn mowing, and Cracker Barrel. I couldn't keep any of them--due to mental health issues, or loss of sobriety. The only things I'm good at--painting, poetry, photography--don't exactly bring in rent or food to the table. I now have to rely on my best friend/room mate, something he likes to hold over my head. I feel like I'm living out Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Something needs to change, but what? What do I want to do with my life? What will bring me satisfaction and/or contentment? Does being satisfied and/or content important enough to being some change? What do I need to change? Work and employment. What am I repeating? Trying to hold down a job. What keeps happening? My mental health falls apart. Do I pursue art and play my mental health issues to the max, getting money from the government? It would be easier to get now--I have an official paper trail now. Dad would be so disappointed--art is a frivolous waste of time to him. (Yet he can't go a day without music or NPR--art forms in their own rights. If taken away, would he understand the value of art? Probably not.)


I just don't feel like I have anything to offer the world/society at large, my best friend/room mate turned partner, the few friends I do have, and my family. I rely on them now. Again. God, I'm such a failure. I'm trying to get my shit together--I turn 30 less than a month, I should be better by now, I should be farther and more financially stable--but I'm not.


I just feel like an alien dropped off on Planet Earth and told, "Good luck." I have no idea how people can hate other people for being "different" and how being "different" is wrong, unknown, and feared. I don't understand why people say what they say and do what they do. I don't understand how people act one way and mean something else. I don't get how people don't notice societal withdrawal from a friend, and don't reach out and instead kick that "friend" when they're down. I don't understand why people talk so much. Are they in love with their own voice? I don't understand why you have to go, go, go, all of the time, overwork yourself to exhaustion and burnout, and still pretend to be fine. I don't understand why it's normalized to be stressed, but rest and relaxation isn't normalized--but shamed.


So, I sleep and waste my time with art.

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Winter

1 min read
Depression is back with a vengeance! All I do is eat, sleep, and work. Every time I try to draw, I just get sad. I feel like the best part of me, the artist part, is dying. 

WINTER IS HERE! It's snowed twice here already: once, over the weekend of September 27 (27-29). And other time, on the 8th-9th. We haven;t had much of an autumn. 
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STRESS

1 min read
Hey guys, sorry I haven't been keeping up... Often I am too tired and I don't have constant access to the computer or Internet. 'Cause I'm dirt poor. 
Thats all. 
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It's been a long time since I've written one of these mofos. A lot has happened since December. How do I write it all down? What, exactly, do I tell you? 

I guess I should say that I had to fight hella hard against depression since November. I had to fight so hard to get on new medications. Apparently, too much Prozac makes me hallucinate, my skin feel like it's alive with itchiness, and swing up into "the white" (what I call mania, or something close to it). So I'm on Cymbalta now, which has helped some. But my sleep went whack, due to stress--I ended up in the hospital. So now I take Seroquel at night to help me sleep. It helps stabilize my mood, too. 

I also FINALLY got another job. I'm working at another restaurant in town--Sweet Lou's. It's entry-level: I basically wash and put away dishes, make salads, and/or bus tables. I've been there a month now. I make decent tips, but it's minimum wage and the tips get taken out of my paycheck. I have to start somewhere to get somewhere--so what if I have I have to start at the bottom again? 

I've been sober from alcohol for seven months now, and I haven't smoked marijuana in over a year. Marijuana fucks me up; I go into a drug-induced psychosis. When I drink, one drink isn't enough; I have to have more and more and more and then I wake up in a field naked. So... No illicit "fun" for me. The only bad habits I maintain these days are smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee--the latter is considered a bad habit by my therapist. My therapist is a hard-core caffeine hater; she's also vegan. Maybe one day I'll give up coffee; I'd rather quit smoking first. I can't believe I just said that...  Then again, coffee tastes good; cigarettes taste awful. 

This last week has been tough at work, what with all the teenage kids leaving due to school. Of course, a few of them are going to college. But we've been understaffed, and being on your feet for long periods of time while hauling heavy dishes is hard work. Due to not having my daily dose of medications (my treatment program thought it would be a great idea to short me a day on my medications) and all of the work I have to do at Sweet Lou's (I'm basically doing the jobs of three or four people), I was thrown off and I have been e x h a u s t e d . I didn't get home till past 2 AM on Friday and Saturday--even with the help of other staff at work. Thank God I'm a hard-core napper; that's what I did today: nap. 

I'll do my best to be around here more. 
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Featured

Updates/Venting by ABigBlueBalloon, journal

Winter by ABigBlueBalloon, journal

STRESS by ABigBlueBalloon, journal

Sleep, Work, Coffee, Cigarettes by ABigBlueBalloon, journal

Winter Is Hard by ABigBlueBalloon, journal